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The Omnipotent One

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And the winner is...

Here it is…it’s time for my second annual Oscar recap. Stars gathered Sunday evening for the 79th edition, live from Hollywood, California.

Ellen DeGeneres hosted the swank affair. She did a capable, but not spectacular job, keeping things moving as best she could, although things seemed to DeGenerate somewhat as the evening wore on…and on…and on… Luckily she had enough bits and jokes to last. What? Did you really expect her to play it straight?

Now on to the red carpet for a few fashion victims…

Jennifer Hudson ate a little child before the proceedings and stole his jacket.

A giant moth latched onto Anne Hathaway's chest.

Nicole Kidman failed to learn the lesson from Charlize Theron from last year. Just because you can wear a giant bow on your shoulder doesn't mean you should. I'm sure her alcoholic husband, Keith Urban would have preferred a blue ribbon. Pabst, that is.

Apparently origamists don’t make good fashion designers. And it seems Cameron Diaz just stepped out of a wind tunnel before the event.

She should have worn this hat.

The nineties apparently took their toll on Robert Downey, Jr., seen here giving his impression of a Nick Nolte mug shot.

Not wanting to be stereotyped as a fashion diva after The Devil Wears Prada, Meryl Streep showed up wearing a drab black suit with some bling she bought at the dollar store.

Eva Green stopped in before going to audition for a role as a mummy.

Kelly Preston took the Tarzan and Jane approach by going au naturale and tossing the bra and girdle.

Sally Kirkland hang-glided onto the red carpet.

Penelope Cruz: half human, half llama. Actually, Cruz accidentally ripped the bottom of her dress on her way out and rushed to sew all of her pink bathroom rugs onto it to replace the torn material.

Not to be outdone, Kirsten Dunst glued several toy poodles to the bottom of hers.

It appears Naomi Watts is using duct tape to prevent sagging.

Oh no! The Blob is eating Maggie Gyllenhaal!

Abigail Breslin is too young to sprout breasts, so she sprouted flowers instead. Note to parents: if your Oscar nominated daughter is too young to stay home unattended, you might want to check what they’re wearing when they leave the house.

Queen Latifah stapled together some car mats.

Look! Jada Pinkett-Smith wore an entire dress made out of duct tape.

It’s obvious why Will likes appearing in public with a hot number like Jada. It’s to detract attention away from his ears! I bet those babies get better reception than half the satellites around the world picking up the broadcast! What was he thinking when he shaved his head to draw further attention to them?

Now on to the show…

Here’s Will’s son, Jaden, who was a presenter along with Breslin. The Smiths must have been horrified to discover in front of hundreds of millions of people that their son can’t read! Luckily, Breslin bailed him out. The little kids presented awards for Short Film and Animated Short and took the ribbing in stride.

The same could not be said of the vertically challenged actor/freak, Tom Cruise, who was on hand to present the Jean Hersholt Award to Sherry Lansing, someone Cruise has long looked up to. The again, Cruise must look up to just about everyone he works with.

Al Gore was on hand and his film detailing the threat of global warming, An Inconvenient Truth, took the prize for Best Documentary. Judging by his girth, Mr. Gore has furthered his environmental crusade with a vow to personally ensure that no food leftovers will make their way to public landfills on his watch.



But global warming couldn't thaw the icy tension that exists between Beyonce Knowles and Jennifer Hudson since the latter failed to acknowledge the former after winning a Golden Globe award. As they performed the three nominated songs from the movie Dreamgirls, that tension could be cut with a knife. Meow! And cut with a knife is exactly what they would have liked to do to Melissa Etheridge when she stole the Oscar for Original Song for An Inconvenient Truth from their grasp. Any song going up against another attached to such a nobel cause had about as good a chance of winning the award as a hardcore rap group like 36 Mafia. Hmmm, ok…even less of a chance. (For the uninformed, 36 Mafia won last year.)

Hudson did however go on to win the statuette for Best Supporting actress. She was later disappointed to learn that the gold coating couldn’t be unwrapped to reveal a chocolate center.

Cameras later panned to show Jerry Seinfeld in the middle of a yawn while Gore was onstage with Leonardo DiCaprio. I couldn’t have said it better.

Just in case you missed one of the fifty shots of Jack Nicholson (shown here with Diane Keaton) mugging for the cameras, here he is again.

William Monahan, the winner for Best Adapted Screenplay for The Departed can be seen here stumbling through his acceptance speech. Is it too much to expect coherency from a screenwriter?

Alan Arkin won the Best Supporting Actor honours for his role in Little Miss Sunshine. I got nuthin’ here. He had to set his award down on the stage while he read an acceptance speech. Shouldn’t a seasoned actor be able to memorize forty-five seconds of dialogue? Did you ever notice how similar his name is to Ellen Barkin’s? Wouldn’t it be funny if they got married? She’d be Ellen Barkin-Arkin! Hey, I told you I got nuthin’.

The Best Actress nod went to Hellen Mirren for her portrayal of Queen Elizabeth II in The Queen. She was such a lock that fellow nominee, Dame Judi Dench, went off on a bender rather than attend. Mirren was the most celebrated queen at the Academy Awards since Elton John.

The Best Actor was Forest Whitaker as Idi Amin in The Last King Of Scotland. Bigger than Brando? Seen here he’s likely calculating how he’s going to try to outmaneuver Hudson and Gore to the post-event food spreads at the after-parties. Needless to say, the largesse of the evening was not lost on any of these first time winners.

(Btw…no offense meant to big boned people meant. I’m really just kidding.)

Martin Scorsese finally struck gold as Best Director for The Departed. Presenting his award were his muscle, director of The Godfather, Francis Ford Coppola (representing the Italian mafia), George Lucas (representing the Force), and Stephen Spielberg (who’s likely no good in a fight, but he’d likely zing his adversary with a few good witticisms). Scorsese basked in his moment, and his three buddies sure weren’t about to reveal that the card inside the envelope actually read Clint Eastwood.

The Departed also took the Best Picture category. And after a numbing three hours and forty-five minutes duration, the audience quickly departed with Happy Feet (winner of Animated Feature).

So there you have it. Your feedback will decide whether a third annual is in store next year. I hope you enjoyed it.

-- Edited by bawdy at 18:27, 2007-02-28

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