I received this in my e-mail box today. It’s been a while since I had fun with one of these, and this one was refreshingly different from your typical Nigerian scam spam. First, the e-mail I received is in bold below. The un-highlighted comments following are mine.
Hello.
My name is Mark Birman I'm job manager in RuAmerica corporation. We're searching for new partnerships in continental USA.
Let me say few words about our company. We're working for several years worldwide, providing the best service in Shipping and Transporting. We work with European countries for 4 years. Our partners are USPS, FedEx, DHL, Ebay, Amazon and many other shipping companies and shops. We're providing financial services too.
Let me say about the position we offer. It is called Correspondence Assistant/Representative. It is new position for us, and it is very valuable now. In August 2003, many European countries changes their rules for customs and taxes for merchandise, sent from countries, that don't belong to EU. This means, that package that is sent from a company - will be a subject for VAT in Europe, but the package that is sent from a person - doesn't have VAT. Because of that, prices for shipping services grow, and we try to reduce them. And we need YOU.
Your task - to receive packages that will be delivered to you, and redirect them, following our instructions. Packages will be delivered by courriers to your location. Then you will be given money for shipping fees. Your fee is 25 USD per package you receive. No start up fees! No out of pocket fees! Nothing to pay!
IMPORTANT. We put names of our customers on the packages, so names will be different from yours.
We will inform you about incoming packages. We pay you via PayPal, wire transfer, Check, Money Order or Western Union. Your commissions will be paid every two weeks. We will make agreement which you will sign and return back to us. In this document all responsibilities and duties will be conrirmed. If you are interested in this offer, or have more questions please fill application form refer to http://softdesignsng.com/vacancies.asp.htm
Thank you for your time.
Best regards, Mark Birman
Hello Mark Birman! Or shall I call you Mr. Birman seeing as our relationship pertains to business? No, too formal. The Birminator? I’ve got it! The Birman of Alcatraz! So, ummm…Marky Mark, if you’re searching for partnerships inside the continental U.S., Canada seems an odd place to start, but who am I to question your business savvy? First I was reluctant to take you seriously because would a renowned company such as RuAmerica (Now is that Ru as in “rue” or is it more like “Arooooo!”? I’d go with the latter myself. It’s way more fun to say!) be contacting me through a Yahoo e-mail account? But I noticed the account was ladylauren@yahoo.com, so obviously someone trusts you enough to use their account. Either that or you have a naughty little secret. Do you like women’s clothing, Marky? I kid! I kid! Then I heard from you again, this time from ladylight99@yahoo.com, so you’re trusted by two lady friends. I never took you for a playa! You’re my new hero. Way to go, dawg! You also e-mailed me from a redsox406@aol.com account. If your company has ties with the World Series champions, you must hate the Yankees as much as I do. You can’t be such a bad guy. I hope you can use your connections to score me some prime tickets come playoff time.
It just occurred to me there could be three different Mark Birmans working for you. If it’s some kind of company policy that you have to change your name to Mark Birman in order to work with you, count me out!
Ok, back to your e-mail. First you tell me you want to say “few words” about your company, then you proceed with this long spiel. I mean, shut up! You had me at hello.
A bit of free advice-you talk about providing the best service in shipping and handling, then mention an affiliation with the USPS. Very funny, but leave the jokes to me from now on, ok?
This new position you offer called correspondence assistant sounds lame. If I take the job, can you change the title to Correspondence Wizard instead? I even have a cloak and hat that will make me look official and everything. Speaking of new positions, have you tried doggy style? Lady Lauren and Lady Light may be receptive to trying it. You can thank me later.
Back to business. Your website raises a few concerns. I have handled my own package several times, but I’ve never sent, received or sorted it. I wouldn’t know where to begin. And now that you mentioned it, I’m afraid to check for missing parts! I’ve never handled the packages of other guys before. Wait a minute! I see what you’re doing. Is this Ashton Kutcher? Am I being Punk’d? You wanted me to say I’m willing to handle the packages of other guys, then you’ll bust me on television, right? Right? But let’s say you are on the up and up. You say you want honest and bright people. Well, I’m certainly honest. The latter is debatable. Your site also states you seek people who are fluent in English? Look, bubba, I read your e-mails. You’re in no position to be critical of grammar. And I think your policy of not hiring underage people is discriminatory. If it’s good enough for Nike and Kathie Lee Gifford, it should be good enough for you.
Now I’m happy to say Mark and I cleared up a few misconceptions I had and I’ve been in his employ for a few months. Things couldn’t be better. But now I have a few concerns and I’ve raised them with Mark and his answers have become increasingly evasive. Read our correspondence and judge for yourself.
*Note: Whether the following correspondence actually took place or not is entirely dependent on your gullibility.
Dear Mark
This package I just received to send to a Mr. Jacques Chirac appears to be ticking and is marked as fragile. Shouldn’t we increase the S&H to ensure safe delivery? If it’s a new alarm clock, I’m sure he wouldn’t want it to arrive damaged.
Rick,
That ticking is product of your imagination. Please disregard
Best regards, Mark Birman
Dear Mark,
I can’t quite make out the name on the return address on the package to Mr. Tony Blair in England. It looks like Al somebody. Al Queda? Can you please verify?
Rick,
Sorry, there has been mistake. Name not important. Please cross out.
Best regards, Mark Birman
Dear Mark,
I wanted to put in a good word for the courier who just dropped off the latest package at my door. He handled it with the utmost of delicacy as he carried it and set it down. Me and my butterfingers could learn a thing or two from his carefulness. Then he sprinted to his truck as fast as he could and sped off. I could see the sweat spraying from his brow. Such enthusiasm for his job is admirable. Can you tell me how to contact his boss so I can praise this dedicated worker.
Rick,
Will you just please do your fucking job? Asshole.
Mark Birman
Dear Mark,
Your English seems to be improving. Have you been visiting New York?
Rick
Rick,
Allah! Oops! I mean, Jesus! Will you please, please focus on business we try to conduct?
Mark Birman
Dear Mark,
What’s with the funny suit the courier was wearing today? He looked like an astronaut on a moonwalk or something. No, wait! It looked like one of those decontamination suits. Funny Hallowe’en is months away. The green, glowing package was cool though.
Rick
Rick,
Stop contacting me over frivolous matters, you stupid infidel! I mean, you fucktard!
Mark Birman
Dear Mark,
A white powdery substance was leaking from the package to Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder of Germany. I thought, “Cool! Powdered doughnuts!”, but the powder didn’t taste very sugary. But that can be attributed to the fact that I must have been coming down with something. I’ve become very congested since then, my eyes are watering, and my throat is aching. My temperature is through the roof too. I sent a sample to you special delivery to your office so you can tell me what you think. I think I need a holiday. You’re working me to death. Since that day of the glowing package, my hair has been falling out and I have these strange sores all over my body. Can I come visit you? I’d like to think we’ve become friends. Sorry if these e-mail is a few days late. I really haven’t been well.
Rick
Dear Rick
I am regretting to inform you that Mr. Birman is away on sick leave. You will conduct business matters with me from here on out.
Best regards,
Amaso nib Nedal
Anyway, the RCMP has now frozen my Paypal account and informed me these are bad people so I’m not supposed to ship anymore packages for them. But that’s ok because I just got an e-mail from a person informing me that I just won a lot of money in an international lottery. They were nice enough to enter my e-mail address for me. This is my lucky day!
You have to wonder about these scams. They must obviously being getting SOME people suckered in because they have just exploded in quantity over the past year. I used to get one of those letters a month, now its like 4 a day. *delete*
The line about handing your own package, parts missing or not..about killed me. I LOL'd literally.
I may as well add my original fun with spam correspondence to this thread...
I received a new version of the old Nigerian scam some time ago. I decided to have some fun with the spammer. The e-mail I received is in bold type below. My reply follows.
Dear Friend,
As you read this, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will die someday.
My name is BATES ALAN a merchant in Dubai, in the U.A.E.I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer.
It has defiled all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts.
I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone(not even myself)but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world.
I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it. Now that God has called me, I have willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as a few close friends.
I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so, I have decided to give alms to charity
organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in the U.A.E, Algeria and Malaysia.
Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore. I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to charity organization in Bulgaria and Pakistan, they refused and kept the money to themselves. Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them.
The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit of eighteen million dollars $18,000,000,00 that I have with a finance/Security Company abroad. I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatched it to charity organizations.
I have set aside 10% for you and for your time.
God be with you.
BATES ALAN
OH MY GOD! Bates Alan! Your story has left me in tears. It warms my heart to hear that you have seen the light and wish to make amends after living your life as a no good, wretched soul. It's nice to know that the good in you has won out and you are thinking of those less fortunate when you yourself are in your hour of need.
I don't understand how your cancer has defiled all forms of medical treatment. It must be some kind of voodoo. You must have been a very bad man. Now all those women I've given herpes to will have to suffer, not to mention all those whiners with diseases and stuff. Oh wait! Did you mean defied, not defiled? Whew!
I am truly honored that you'd choose me, a total stranger, to act as a liaison in this matter. And if you can't trust a perfect stranger with $18,000,000.00, who can you trust? Am I right? Shame on your family for their greed! Pig fuckers!
But Bates Alan, wait...I bear great news! You won't believe this, but I too was diagnosed with Esophageal cancer that wouldn't respond to even the most aggressive of treatments. Then one day, I shoved a pineapple up my bum, and it went away. Please don't ask why I did such a thing-that's another story. The important thing is that I was cured and maybe you can be too. God works in mysterious ways. Now if only I can find a way to remove the pineapple...
But I digress. I imagine that once you too are cured, you will still be anxious to follow through with your charitable pledges and not go back to your wicked ways, so I eagerly await your next correspondence! God bless you, Bates Alan!
Sincerely,
Rick
I heard back from Bates Alan and here was his reply...
Dear Rick,
It is a thing of joy to receive your reply and to know that you are interested in assisting me in achieving my good deeds. I need you to be sincere and have the aim of the deed at heart. It is to assist the needy.
As I said in my previous mail, I have a short time left and I am in severe pains as I type you this mail. For this reason, I have forwarded all the documents that concern this transaction to my trusted lawyer, who resides in Europe.
You might still be wondering why I decided to contact you instead of using members of my family. I tried them earlier and they failed by converting the funds for their own use. This was when I was undergoing my last operation and they eventually thought I wouldn't make it because the doctors said the possibility of survival was slim. After the operation, I discovered that the funds were not used as I instructed. I couldn't do anything about it because they are my family members. I have decided to use a neutral fellow, who is God fearing and who also has the interest of man-kind at heart.
My state is so bad now and I don't know if I will still be alive to see this aim achieved but wherever I am, I will be happy if it is eventually achieved.
My friend, if you have the interest of the needy and you wish to assist is accomplishing this dream, come ferry with me in my canoe because it can accommodate two.
I decided to send you some picture by attachment.
As soon as you indicate interest, I will give you contact of my lawyer in Europe, so that you can carry on the transaction with him.
Hope to get your support.
BATES Alan.
And he sent pictures of himself.
Here was my response to Bates Alan...
Dear Bates Alan,
I was worried when my first attempt to contact you failed. Your mailbox was full. You must have many, many loving and caring friends concerned about your ailing health. Oh the joy I felt when my second attempt was successful! Can you be so kind as to send me the address of your hospital so I can send you a fruit basket?
As far as ferrying in a canoe with you, I hope that that is not some kind of gay come on, Bates Alan. Sorry, I do not swing that way! Not that I find fault in those who choose such a lifestyle, but I am a straight man.
I cried when I saw the state of your suffering in the pictures you sent, Bates Alan! May I ask who the fetching lady is by your bedside? Va va voom! I'd love to tap that ass! Forgive me if she is your loving wife. If so, would it be too forward of me to request your permission to contact her after you die? Of course I'd allow her a couple of weeks to properly grieve your loss first.
Now on to the business at hand. I'm a little concerned about you having so much trust in your lawyer. I mean, what kind of incompetent boob must he be if he cannot fulfill the task of donating your money to charity himself? You say he is in Europe...would he happen to be Polish, by chance? Of course I have the interests of the needy at heart. I'd hate to see them deprived of your riches. And I have to admit I could use the $1.8 million commission. That's an awful lot of lap dances! So please tell me how we proceed from here before you croak, Bates Alan.
Respectfully, Rick
Sadly that was the end of our correspondence. I don't think he thought I was serious.
I responded to a new con artist's e-mail (a different variation of the Nigerian scam). First read her e-mail (in bold text). My response follows.
I am Miss Mariam Aledu, a daughter of Dr and Mrs. Johnson Aledu all from Liberia Repulic, Africa.
My father was killed in an assassination attempt which ended the life's of my mother , my immediate younger brother and my finace leaving behind I and my other younger brother (Alfred Aledu) by troop suspected to be Rebels on the 15th october 2001 " What a tragedy, May their Souls Rest in Perfect Peace....Amen.
My father was a formal Minister of Power and Mines to the ruling Government of Charles Teloy and the assassination was believed to have done because of my father's undiluted loyalty to the Government.
Since April 2002, I and my brother had been living in this Spanish Island, Marlloca, as refugees. Now I have developed the faith that with you, that the vaccum created by these tragic event will be filled up believing that you are going to take absolute care of emotional problem caused by this tragedy and care for my brother (Alfred).
Above all, before the death of my late father, he deposited a box containing sum of Five Millon, Three Hundred Thousand United States Dollars (US$5.3 M) with a Security Company here in Spain on agreement which i was the next of kin to. I and my brother struggle to smuggle ourselfs into spain because we have a copy of the certificate of this deposit and the key that opens the box. The security company did not know the content of this box because it was tagged "Aledu Family Effects".
I would like you to help us transfer this money into your personal account for business investment and help assist us secure visa to your country so that we will join you there.
I am 26 years old, I obtained my first degree in computer technology four months before the death of my parents last year which turned my life upside down.
I am fair in complexion ,1.6 meters in height, I weigh 68KG and an ad ant faithful Christain.
My hobbies includes listening to scientific and political stories , listening to new and old music, reading papers, novels and scientific books and admiring people's greatness achievements and talents
Write or mail back to me immediately and assure me that i am in the rightful hand , I expect to hear from you. Wishing you the best in life
Mariam Aledu.
Hey Mariam!
I've been waiting to hear from you. My psychic friend, Miss Cleo, told me you'd be in contact after your father was assassinated. Well, it just wasn't happening, so I decided to take matters into my own hands. I hired a soldier of fortune named Haji to speed things along. It seems he got a little carried away in taking out your mom, your fiance and your brother. Whoopsy! Oh, that Haji! He's such a free spirit! I'll have you know I docked him five bucks per head from his fee. Boy, am I glad to hear that you're a faithful Christian. Knowing you'll find it in your heart to forgive me will help me sleep at night.
Let me know if you want Haji to take care of Alfred too. Imagine having to go through life with a sissy-boy name like that! It would be for the best, knowing how cruel other children can be. Then you wouldn't have the responsibility of having him tag along on your journey. A simple shot to the heart can solve a lot of problems sometimes. He'll never know what hit him.
I'll gladly forward my personal banking information, but first you must promise me you won't disturb the existing balance. Instead of acquiring a proper visa or even a forged one, may I suggest stuffing yourself in a crate and being shipped as cargo instead? I live in Canada. Trust me, passing customs will be a breeze.
You make no mention of financial compensation for my assistance. I therefore assume by disclosing your height and weight, you are offering sexual favors as a reward. 68 kg? I like a little bit of junk in the trunk. Do you have big boobies? I like boobies too! Do you have pictures of yourself? I hope you don't have the face of a horse. Although Smarty Jones is pretty cute...
But I digress. I'm sure you're really a good shag and all, but I'm afraid I must also ask for some financial recompense as well. After all, I already paid Haji $10,000.00 (U.S. funds), minus the fifteen dollars I mentioned earlier.
I notice we have much in common. I enjoy reading. And I like new and old music, as opposed to music that is not new. Or old. Promise not to bore me scientific or political stories, ok? I can't tell you any of those, but I know a lot of jokes that will make you blush.
Please get back to me soon. Haji is rather pissed, and I'm afraid his rampage isn't finished. God bless you, and God bless Liberia!
Rick
Here's Mariam's reply followed by my response.
Sir/Madam,
Thanks for your respond despite it wasnt encouraging but i most beg for your assistance if really you have the cabacity to do so because me self and my family are dying in silence but if are able to get this money out the security firm where is presently deposited as family treasure we will be very appreciative to you and any body who you feel can provide asistance.
please let me know if can provide the needed assist so that my brother afred can get in contac with you for deatil information about the said consignment.
Thanks,hoping to hear from you soonest.
Mariam/Afred.
Hey Mariam!
Damn. I know monkeys that can spell better than you by pecking at random keys on the keyboard. Is English your native tongue? Perhaps I can learn Swahili or whatever language you're most comfortable with. Have you picked up any Spanish while in Mallorca? Please talk to me in Spanish. I think it's a sexy language. Although I don't speak it myself, it would make me very horny. Especially if you talk dirty.
You want me to talk to Alfred? But I like talking to you, baby. He's not expecting to join us during sex too, is he? I draw the line there! He can watch, but that's as far as it goes. We can probably teach him a few things. I hope you like to experiment. I have a few ideas I read in Penthouse forums we can try.
I guess you didn't like my crate idea. For a Liberian refugee, you're pretty nit-picky. Can't you just swim? I guess you're afraid of sharks too. Look, as long as you can out-swim Alfred, you'll have a fighting chance.
Is money really this important to you? As a Christian, you've already accepted Jesus as your savior. You're already rich in his eyes. All you really need is love. Would you like me to send you a copy of Watchtower magazine? I'm not a Jehovah Witness or anything-it's just that those bastards left one in my mailbox.
Please let me know how I can further assist you. I'm getting a woody just thinking about you.
