Here's yet another product of my idle time for your...enjoyment?

How To Deal With A Bully

High school. A time of life only the strong survive. Unfortunately you're not so strong, and you're bound to encounter a new species...one impossibly large for someone so young-a no-necked beast who spends endless hours in weight rooms. One that drinks protein shakes, takes vitamin supplements, probably even steroids. He reeks of b.o. and breathes through his mouth. He's probably been attending this school for seven years now. Meet the bully. I see you already have. He's the guy you spilt your soda on accidently in the cafeteria. Now two things are certain...

1) He didn't see it as an accident.
2) You're dead.

Go to the video store and rent Rocky. Fast forward to the scene where he's punching slabs of meat. See those slabs of meat? That is how your face is going to look soon unless you learn to defend yourself.

So you...sign up for karate lessons. Congratulations, you just spent two weeks getting your ass kicked on a regular basis. You broke your hand trying to break a board, and spent two nights in the hospital with a concussion after thinking you could break bricks with your forehead. And you paid for all that. And you're still a sissy! Perhaps that was a bad idea.

For an idea of what you're in store for now, do this...

Stick your head in a vise and tighten it until you're in excruciating pain. Now use your knuckles and roughly grate them on the top of your skull. Now you know what a headlock feels like and those knuckles are giving you what bullies lovingly refer to as noogies. Get used to this feeling. You'll be spending a lot of time in headlocks.

Ok, you can stop now. Next put your testicles in the vise and twist it until you're about to pass out. Then give it one more twist for good measure. This is what a wedgie feels like. You and wedgies are about to become well acquainted with each other. You'll be walking home with this feeling just about every day.

Finally, the inevitable...

You're face to face with the bully for the first time. It's time to show him what you're made of so...

Quickly you cry out for help!

Funny, you've never heard crickets in the heart of the city before.

Now is that whimpering I hear? Your bottom lip is quivering. Get a grip, man!

As he cocks his fist, you need to think quickly...

Suddenly, you conjure up from inside a determination not to let him kick you around. Your nostrils flare. Your chest puffs out. You clench your fists. You're going to stand up to this Neanderthal for the thousands who have been bullied before you. How dare to think he can cow you. You look him squarely in the eyes and you...you...

Drop to your knees and beg for mercy!

Oh oh. Now he's unzipping his pants. Sorry, even I didn't anticipate this one coming. It's a good thing no one's around to see.
Well, except for just about every single student in your grade who have gathered to watch. Damn, that student body grapevine is efficient.

Don't worry, it's nothing years of therapy can't help you come to terms with. So...now you're his bitch. I'd rethink that begging strategy next time.

Money talks, right? Give him all your money. Surely, he'll be reasonable now.

Hmmm, he says that's a good start. But unfortunately you don't have any more money. Or a Walkman. Or a Gameboy. He just took those too.

Call the cops! Now you'll show him.

Shit. What are the odds his father was chief of police and his mother the town judge? Now you have two very powerful enemies. And one really ticked off bully to deal with.

Offer to set him up with the slutty girl in your Social Studies class. He's a guy right? Who can't resist a sure opportunity to get laid? That'll get you in his good books.

Ok, so you didn't know she was his sister. Ignorance doesn't mean he's still not going to pound the living shit out of you.

Now you're running out of options. It's time for desperate actions.

You should always carry some mace in your pocket while the danger of being bullied exists because you will inevitably get cornered. Now grab the mace and spray it in his face. His hands will go to his eyes. Now quickly kick him in the crotch. If you thought well enough ahead, you'd be wearing steel toed boots. He'll double over in agony. Now grab the back of his underwear and give him the mother of all wedgies. Lastly, put him in a headlock and dispense some noogies.

(If you missed with the mace, instantly flash the peace sign. The bully will hesitate at this gesture for a brief moment. That's when you use those two fingers to poke him in the eyes. I saw my friend Eddie Hodgins use this tactic once and it worked to perfection. It was a thing of beauty really-a real life Three Stooges moment.

However, if that too failed, be prepared to...

...scratch, claw, pull hair...whatever it takes. Fight like a girl. You lost all respect when you gave him a blow job anyway. You've past the point of no return.)

Let's say you were successful though...

Turning the tables felt good, didn't it? Savor the moment because it may be one of your last.

Enough. Now would be an ideal time to run. Fast!

At dinner that evening inform your family that you think it would be great if the family could relocate to say...Borneo.

Oh well, you got out-voted. Democracy sucks sometimes.

If you happen to have any evidence you could turn to get you in the Witness Protection program, now would be a good time to contact the feds.

No dice, eh? You have one option left to stay alive...

I saw this in a Corey Haim movie once. (That reminds me, there are worse things worse than being bullied...Corey Haim and Corey Feldman flicks!) Go to your sister's room. Pick out some nice dresses. Now go to your mom's room and get a wig. You're going to need disguises to get to and from school from now on. And don't forget to shave your legs. Work on walking in heels too.

Jesus, it's like you're a natural.

And it would have worked too if Vice Principal Rogers didn't hit on you. Fucking creep.

Now your suspended. Which is actually a good thing for now. You can stay here at home and avoid the brute.

Wait a minute! Why are you still wearing girls clothes?

Freak! That's it! Now I want to kick your ass too.

You're on your own, buddy.

Well, I hope this helps some nerd out there who's not entirely hopeless. You can thank me later.