The 78th annual Academy Awards ceremony was held this past Sunday evening. Missed it? No worries! I’ve got it covered for you right here.
Jon Stewart hosted the festivities. He wasn’t the best host ever, but I think he acquitted himself quit well.
Stewart settled down after he just about shit himself here after realizing his audience of 41.5 million viewers was significantly more than those who regularly tune in to “The Daily Show”.
George Clooney claimed the Best Supporting Actor award for his part in "Syriana". He gained 35 pounds for the role. But you just know that even a fat George Clooney gets laid more than the rest of us guys. Damn him to hell. As if he needed an Oscar to pad his resume.
I thought it was nice of them to dust off Lauren Bacall to let her out of her crypt so she could attend.
Whoa! You mean she wasn’t dead? Well…soon. Anyway, when the ever popular “in memoriam” segment aired, up popped Pat Morita. No one told me Mr. Miyagi had died! But yep, he’s apparently as dead as his “The Karate Kid” co-star Ralph Macchio’s acting career.
Ben Stiller came out in a green body suit to promote the wonders of visual effects. Unfortunately the bit came off flatter than he had hoped.
Bless your little heart for trying, Ben. Don’t come back next year.
More odd visual effects came courtesy of the hair stylists catering to…
…Sandra Bullock and…
…Uma Thurman, who were apparently going for the…
…Bride of Frankenstein look.
Girls, even Gary Busey thought your hair was outrageous.
Yet another fashion faux pas: Helena Bonham Carter, the next time Tim Burton offers to do your hair, please say no.
The crowd was stunned when rap group 36 Mafia claimed Best Song for the censored version of "It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp". Maybe they shouldn’t have been surprised. The Academy probably gave them the award out of fear that people would have been shot if they didn’t. The group sheepishly returned the Oscars they’d stolen so they could be presented properly.
Dolly Parton was irate that she lost to a rap song and more f-bombs were heard coming from her dressing room than you’d hear at a typical 36 Mafia concert. As depression sank in, she would have slit her wrists if only she could reach around her boobs to do so.
Dolly: Yet another fashion victim.
Itzhak Perlman came out as selected bits for Best Original Score were performed, delighting many viewers who took the opportunity to rush to their kitchens to prepare snacks.
Rachel Weisz was named Best Supporting Actress for her role in "The Constant Gardener". I’m sure she said a lot of nice things in her acceptance speech, but I was too busy staring at the seven months pregnant Weisz’s cleavage. Wow! Impressive.
And rest assured, plenty of cleavage was on display on Sunday evening.
Queen Latifah
Salma Hayek
Michelle Williams
New mother, Jennifer Garner. If I was her kid I’d be breast feeding into my twenties. Between her and husband Ben Affleck, judging by the genes I’d say the kid has a 50/50 chance of being a good actor. Garner stumbled and almost took a header as she came out as a presenter. Speaking of stumbling, how about Affleck’s career?
Gavin Hood wins for directing the Best Foreign Language Film, "Tsotsi".
Here Gavin demonstrates how you get in good favour with members of the Academy in order to swing votes your way.
Charlize Theron sported a big bow to wrap the chip on her shoulder as she went for two Best Actress awards in three years.
It was knocked of by Reese Witherspoon who nearly went to pieces while accepting the award, but she managed to compose herself.
Philip Seymour Hoffman surprised no one by taking home the Oscar for Best Actor for portraying Truman Capote in the film "Capote". Whether or not he resorted to any method acting with Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal, I don’t want to know.
“A Note Of Triumph: The Golden Age Of Norman Corwin” won for Best Documentary Short. That silence you hear is the sound of no one caring.
Robert Altman won an Honorary Oscar for lifetime achievement despite directing “Dr. T And The Women.
Ang Lee snagged the Best Director Oscar for “Brokeback Mountain” while John Wayne spun in his grave.
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But any momentum “Brokeback Mountain had built up ending with a resounding…
…"Crash". Thank God for racism say Cathy Schulman and Paul Haggis as they claim the prize for Best Picture. Word is someone in the Brokeback camp was vely, vely Ang Lee.
Luckily, Clint Eastwood was nowhere to be seen or he would have kicked the asses of Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal, who played two gay cowboys in “Brokeback Mountain”. It was nice of John Travolta to offer Jon Stewart a flight back to New York even after Stewart made fun of Scientology. There must have been awful turbulence though because Stewart arrived home battered and bruised.
Well, that about wraps it up. I hope you enjoyed this. See you at the movies!
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