It is time for my third annual Oscar recap after the 80th edition of the show aired on Sunday evening. Rain in Hollywood prior to the event necessitated the erection of a plastic cover over the red carpet. Believe me, "Joan Rivers getting all wet on the red carpet" are eight words no one wanted to hear. Jon Stewart hosted for the second time in three years. He wasn't awful, and took a few shots at the current administration, but the lack of preparation time due to the writers strike was evident in all facets of the overall production as the night wore on.
I won't come right out and say the production was boring, but as things unfolded, Owen Wilson was once again put on suicide watch. Oh come on! You think that's in poor taste? I can top that...just continue reading.
And the winners are...
Javier Bardem from No Country For Old Men was just happy to be nominated for Best Supporting actor. It was the only way he could convince security he wasn't there to park cars as a valet. But instead, he won. Only in America!
Oh. My. God. Tilda Swinton, Best Supporting actress winner from the movie Michael Clayton donned her Zorro cape and apparently lost a sleeve in a rapier duel, but remained stoic in victory. As for her hair...well, I can only assume she's been cast as a redheaded pixie in a current production.
Ratatouille took the prize for best animated feature. All the competition could say to that is "Rats!"
Ratatouille was not the hottest French dish served up on Sunday evening. That distinction belonged to Marion Cotillard. She was shocked to learn of her win in the Best Actress in a Leading Role category. How much of a surprise was it? Edith Piaf (who Cotillard portrayed in the film La Vie En Rose) rolled over in her grave and inquired, "Who???"
Shocked fellow nominee, Cate Blanchett, turned as pale as a ghost at the spectacle.
Then, with a flip of her tail, Cotillard swam back out to sea.
Daniel Day-Lewis' celebration for being named Best Actor for his role in There Will Be Blood was short-lived, as presenter Helen Mirren promptly bludgeoned him with his Oscar. There will be blood indeed.
Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova snagged Oscars for their song Once from the movie of the same name. Coincidentally, once is more often than anyone should be subjected to songs from the movie, Enchanted, three of which received nominations.
Alex Gibney and Eva Orner won the award for Best Documentary Feature for their film, Taxi To The Dark Side, which dealt with atrocities in dealings with suspected terrorists at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba, and in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Stefan Ruzowitzky accepted for The Counterfeiters, winner of the Best Foreign Language Feature, which was about Nazi war crimes. Some things never change though, so I have no doubt copies of Enchanted are already en route to military prisons to increase the cruelty. Any self-respecting terrorist will fold within minutes now.
The Coen brothers were the big winners of the night for their film No Country For Old Men, winning Writing (Adapted Screenplay), Direction, and Best Picture honours. But any country with the Coen brothers is definitely better off for it. An early indication that they would go far? Fargo. But no country for old men? Really? You'd be hard pressed to convince 98-year old Robert F. Boyle of that. He was presented with a lifetime achievement award for his work in art direction/production design. Unfortunately, many in the audience feared they too might turn ninety-eight before he finished laboring through his acceptance speech.
Word has it that due to a terrible bout of insomnia, Heath Ledger was unable to attend. Ok, that was bad, but you can't say you weren't warned!
Now on to the fashion victims and ridicule...
John Travolta spray painted his scalp black for the occasion.
Cradle robber George Clooney excused himself before leading Sarah Larson to the washroom so she could go potty.
Jane Russell rushed from her clown school class to attend without realizing she had yet to remove all her face paint.
Anne Hathaway managed to raise a few pricks by adorning a vine of roses along her bust line.
Jessica Alba used some strategically placed purple Easter basket liner to nestle two lovely eggs. Who wants to go on an egg hunt besides me? Thank you, Jesus!
Marlee Matlin does some armpit farts for an impressed Steve Guttenberg.
After an epic struggle, this sheet managed to corral Jennifer Hudson's boobs.
Who says Scientologists are nuts? Kelly Preston appears to be normal as she pets her imaginary dog in an attempt to detoxify it of an evil Thetan.
Diablo Cody bagged a leopard for the occasion as her tattoo cheered her on.
Here, the former exotic dancer proves that some old habits die hard.
Every day is Christmas for Nicole Kidman as she drapes herself with tinsel.
Penelope Cruz ruffled a few feathers by killing an ostrich to make her dress, but defiantly felt need to bury her head in the sand.
Pimps or poindexters? I'm not quite sure what look Spike Lee and Wesley Snipes were going for.
Olivia Thirlby payed homage to Gumby.
God, I hate those bloody Geico caveman commercials! No wait, it's Colin Farrell. The poor lad couldn't afford a shampoo and a haircut. He did point out a slippery spot on the floor as he went up to present an award though. Alas, if only something like Dame Judy Dench slipping and falling flat on her ass would have occured to liven things up a bit! So there you have it. It's fitting that violence and death seemed to be a common theme in much of the content you''re reading about here. For these awards were pretty much DOA. Until next year, my friends...
