Here are some of the replies Paul Lynde gave Peter Marshall on "The Hollywood Squares"...
Peter Marshall: If the right part comes along, will George C. Scott do a nude scene? Paul Lynde: You mean he doesn't have the right part?
Peter Marshall: Will a goose help warn you if there's an intruder on your property? Paul Lynde: There's no better way!
Peter Marshall: In "Alice in Wonderland", who kept crying "I'm late, I'm late?" Paul Lynde: Alice, and her mother is sick about it.
Peter Marshall: According to Tony Randall, "Every woman I've been intimate with in my life has been..." What? Paul Lynde: Bitterly disappointed.
Peter Marshall: Diamonds should not be kept with your family jewels, why? Paul Lynde: They're so cold!
Peter Marshall: What is a pullet? Paul Lynde: A little show of affection...
Peter Marshall: In the Middle Ages, Paul, people in convents were not allowed to eat beans because they believed something about them we now know isn't true. What? Paul Lynde: Well, I know they took a vow of silence...
Peter Marshall: Paul, Snow White...was she a blonde or a brunette? Paul Lynde: Only Walt Disney knows for sure...
Peter Marshall: Promethius was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us? Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.
Peter Marshall: When Richard Nixon was Vice-President, he went someplace on a "good will mission, " but instead wound up being stoned and shouted at. Where did this take place? Paul Lynde: Pat's room .
Peter Marshall: True or false, cow's horns are used to make ice cream. Paul Lynde: You mean those weren't chocolate chips?
Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose"cattle good for that other cattle aren't? Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies...but I don't recommend the cookies!
Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Peter Marshall: True or false...research indicates that Columbus liked to wear bloomers and long stockings. Paul Lynde: It's not easy to sign a crew up for six months...
Peter Marshall: Whose motto is "Do Your Best"? Paul Lynde: I guess we can rule out Jimmy Carter...
Peter Marshall: According to the French Chef, Julia Child, how much is a pinch? Paul Lynde: Just enough to turn her on...
Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other? Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Peter Marshall: True or false, the navy has trained whales to recover objects a mile deep. Paul Lynde: At first they tried unsuccessfully with cocker spaniels...
Peter Marshall: It used to be called "9-pin." What's it called today? Paul Lynde: Foreplay!
Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do? Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Peter Marshall: Paul, in the early days of Hollywood, who was usually found atop Tony, the Wonder Horse? Paul Lynde: My Friend Flicka.
Peter Marshall: During the War of 1812, Captain Oliver Perry made the famous statement, "We have met the enemy and..." What? Paul Lynde: They are cute.
Peter Marshall: Burt Reynolds is quoted as saying, "Dinah (Shore)'s in top form. I've never known anyone to be so completely able to throw herself into a..." A what? Paul Lynde: A headboard.
Peter Marshall: What is the name of the instrument with the light on the end, that the doctor sticks in your ear? Paul Lynde: Oh, a cigarette.
Peter Marshall: In one state, you can deduct $5 from a traffic ticket if you show the officer...what? Paul Lynde: A ten dollar bill.
Peter Marshall: Experts say you should avoid sex immediately after...what? Paul Lynde: Surgery.
Peter Marshall: True or false, each generation of Americans has been about an inch taller than the previous generation... Paul Lynde: That makes Robert Conrad an antique!
Peter Marshall: It's well known that small amounts of female hormones are found in the male body. Are male hormones ever found in the female body? Paul Lynde: Occasionally.
Peter Marshall: In the "Wizard of Oz, " the lion wanted courage and the tin man wanted a heart. What did the scarecrow want? Paul Lynde: He wanted the tin man to notice him.
Peter Marshall: Billy Graham recently called it "our great hope in a confusing and ever-changing world." What is it? Paul Lynde: Pampers.
Peter Marshall: Paul, how many men are on a hockey team? Paul Lynde: Oh, about half.
Peter Marshall: What should you do if you're going 55 miles per hour and your tires suddenly blow out? Paul Lynde: Honk if you believe in Jesus.
Peter Marshall: What do you call a man who gives you diamonds and pearls? Paul Lynde: I'd call him "darling"!
Peter Marshall: True or false...a shipment of the Pill was recently recalled because they were actually sugar pills... Paul Lynde: Does this mean all of the babies born in November will have pimples?
(from Kermit Schafer's Blooper collection) Peter Marshall: You're on a yacht, and you're seasick. According to Emily Post, should you tell your host? Paul Lynde: No, let him find out for himself. (laughter) Actually I've never been on a yacht...I think you should do everything you can do and of course, tell the host. Contestant: I agree. Marshall: Never tell the host... Lynde: Oh, s***! (bleeped)
Peter Marshall: We've all heard the old phrase "A pig in a poke." What is a poke? Paul Lynde: It's when you're not really in love.
Peter Marshall: Paul, this is for 12 hundred dollars and the championship. Dale Evans recently revealed the three secrets behind her happy marriage with Roy Rogers. Now listen carefully..."We work together, we pray together and we're darn good..." What? Paul Lynde: In the saddle.
Peter Marshall: Paul, in what famous book will you read about a talking ass who wonders why it's being beaten? Paul Lynde: I read it, "The Joy of Sex."
Peter Marshall: What's that thing to the east of Sweden? Paul Lynde: Have you seen Anita Ekberg lately?
Peter Marshall: Is it normal for Norwegians to talk to trees? Paul Lynde: As long as that's as far as it goes.
Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Peter Marshall: What did James Watt invent after fooling around with his wife's tea kettle? Paul Lynde: James Watt Jr.
Peter Marshall: The Great White is one of the most feared animals. What is the Great White? Paul Lynde: A sheriff in Alabama.
Peter Marshall: Paul, can anything bring tears to a chimp's eyes? Paul Lynde: Finding out that Tarzan swings both ways!
Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy? Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!
Peter Marshall: Fred Astaire says, his mother has been trying to get him to do this since he was 35. But he hasn't done it and says he won't do it until he's ready. Do what? Paul Lynde: Move out of the house!
Peter Marshall: According to legend, who looks better, a pixie or a fairy? Paul Lynde (in deeper voice): Well, looks aren't everything! (laughter and applause) Well, I guess I would say...I would have to go with the fairy. (more laughter)
Peter Marshall: Paul, you have a 9 year old son who constantly wets the bed. What should you do? Paul Lynde: Get rid of him! (audience laughter) Charley Weaver: I know what you should do -- you should get him a waterbed! (camera shot of Charley Weaver enjoying having topped Lynde) Paul Lynde (pretending to be annoyed): Put the camera back on me!
Peter Marshall: In the movies, Frankenstein's monster was always big and ugly. And he had lots of scars. What was his biggest fear? Paul Lynde: That the girls would be turned off by his big nuts!
Peter Marshall: Can you get 12 pounds of feathers out of a goose? Paul Lynde: I got them in there, didn't I?
Peter Marshall: According to the old song, "At night, when you're asleep, into your tent I'll creep." Who am I? Paul Lynde: The scoutmaster!
Peter Marshall: In television, who lived in Doodyville? Paul Lynde: Oh, the Ty-De-Bowl Man.
Peter Marshall: According to research at USC, is it okay for your marriage to fantasize that your wife is Farrah Fawcett Majors? Paul Lynde: If that doesn't work, try Lee Majors!
Peter Marshall: Who are Mark Trail, Steve Roper and Tank McNamara? Paul Lynde: Oh, you found my address book!
Peter Marshall: To Roy Rogers, what is Cowboy Heaven? Paul Lynde: Seven minutes with Tammy Wynette!
Peter Marshall: Paul, what is the primary problem that develops with men's zippers? Paul Lynde: Rust.
Peter Marshall: Is it possible to drink too much water? Paul Lynde: Yes, it's called drowning.
Peter Marshall: Under the right circumstances, could a 100 year old man father a child? Paul Lynde: With a nurse and maybe a mortician standing by.
Peter Marshall: In what state was Abraham Lincoln born? Paul Lynde: In what state? Well, like all of us naked and screaming!
Peter Marshall: Olivia De Havilland once sat on something in a movie that Roy Rogers says he grew to love. What is it? Paul Lynde: A box of Milk Duds.
Peter Marshall: Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire recently announced that after 30 years, they're going to do something together one more time. What? Paul Lynde: Trade hairpieces.
Peter Marshall: Way up in the frozen north, what was Eric The Red's famous discovery? Paul Lynde: Little Boy Blue.
Peter: Do baby elephants nurse? Paul: That's why you should never go topless on an African beach.
Peter Marshall: Richard Burton wants one very much, but Liz is reported to be afraid to give him one. One what? Paul Lynde: The Certs breath test.
Peter Marshall: Does Mark Spitz believe swimming in the nude helps you go faster? Paul Lynde: Well, it's easy to steer.
Peter Marshall: The book of Proverbs in the Bible tells us that there is one thing that remains firm forever. What is it? Paul Lynde: A topless Eskimo.
Peter Marshall: Howard Cosell's wife recently said in an interview that her husband tells her this at least five times a day. What does he say to her? Paul Lynde: Is my toupee back from the cleaners?
Peter Marshall: According to Compton's Encyclopedia, when Columbus returned from his famous trip, he brought Queen Isabella six naked savages, some animals, some plants, and something valuable. What was it? Paul Lynde: I'll say the six naked savages.
Peter Marshall: Julie Nixon Eisenhower recently told reporters "You don't know what a relief it is not to worry about having them around all the time!". What are "they?" Paul Lynde: Oh, Mom and Dad.
Peter Marshall: Paul, why are forest rangers in remote locations ordering goats as standard equipment? Paul Lynde: Because the sheep are wising up?
Peter Marshall: From what animal do you get silk blouses? Paul Lynde: An animal to you, Peter, but kind and generous to me.
Peter Marshall: In the Bible, King David asked beautiful and wise Abigail to do something after her first husband died. What? Paul Lynde: Get him out of the room.
Peter Marshall: You've got a secret. Acording to psychologists, if you're average, will you probably tell it to a man or to a woman? Paul Lynde: If I tell it to a man, he might hit me.
Peter Marshall: True or false, according to the Bible, you are a sinner? Paul Lynde: As long as they spelled my name right.
