For me, the Games started on a high not with Canada’s Jennifer Heil winning gold in the women’s Moguls competition.

Her total time competing amounted to 53 seconds. Sheesh, 53 seconds spent on women’s slopes hardly even amounts to foreplay.

Things didn’t go quite as smoothly for American snowboarder Lindsey Jacobellis, who was cruising to the snowboard cross victory when she decided to hotdog it on her final jump, fell, and had to settle for second. She tried to downplay the incident and said she’s happy with silver, but this isn’t the Special Olympics where everyone’s a winner. You lost, Lindsey! No matter, she’s probably off getting stoned with her fellow snowboarders.

Which brings us to five medal Alpine skiing hopeful Bode Miller, who showed up in Turin for a bitchin’ party and a damn Olympics tried to get in the way. No matter, he perfected the art of getting disqualified so he could get back to gnarly things like drinking and playing pick-up basketball, during which he sprained an ankle before his final event. His Nike endorsements may be on thin ice, but surely Budweiser is now interested. Dude!

I know I’ll never forget Chinese speedskater Fengtong Yu of China. Not because of his memorable slide across the finish line in his pairing with Japan’s Yuya Oikawa in the men’s 500m race.

I’ll remember him because knowing there’s an Olympian named F. Yu makes me giggle!

Surprisingly, the Italian populace really took to curling even if they couldn’t quite grasp the strategy. They cheered every time a rock ended up in the rings, good shot or bad. I’m sure the beer served at the venue helped account for some of the raucous atmosphere. Or maybe it was the discovery that people were playing bocce on ice!

In women’s figure skating, Russia’s Irina Slutskaya was so upset with her third place placement that she threw her bronze medal in the trash. And I agree. If medals were handed out for falling flat on your ass when it counts, you get the silver, Irina, and Sasha Cohen gets the gold. Similarly, if a medal for the Sicilian tradition of giving the Malochia (or evil eye) were handed out, the hands down winner would be Italian ice dancer Barbara Fusar Poli, who stared down her partner, Maurizio Margaglio, after he dropped her. Whoopsy!

Biathlon. Does anyone outside of Europe care about this sport? I think it can use a little Americanization. Hell, they’re going about the sport wrong. I mean, they give you a gun, right? It’s a race, and here these bozos are shooting at targets. I’d shoot my competition instead. I wouldn’t even have to be a good skier if they’re gushing blood along the way. Put me down for gold.

When police officers raided the Austrian biathlon and cross country houses, they found 100 syringes and evidence of blood doping. The team's coach, Walter Mayer, promptly fled the country. He was MIA until a resident in Austria called police saying someone was sleeping in his car on the side of the road. When the cops came, Mayer fled in the vehicle, crashed into a police barrier and was arrested for being drunk. Then he admitted himself into a mental hospital and was on a suicide watch. Hey, if I had to watch cross country skiing for a living, I’d be on a suicide watch too!

Two man luge. Ok, who invented this sport? I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure he must be gay. One man lying on top of another as they hurtle down the bobsled run? That just ain’t natural!

“Hey, that’s not the rudder!”

Skeleton. This sport is basically tobogganing, or more appropriately, sliding down a hill on cafeteria trays. We all did that as kids, right? Who knew we were in training to be future Olympians? Canada grabbed three medals in this sport. Just wait until writing your name in the snow becomes an event. I’m sure I can get great marks for artistic impression.

Hockey was a travesty. Sure, the Canadian women won. But our men lost. To Finland. To Russia. And to Switzerland. Switzerland?!!! Quick, somebody grab the Shroud of Turin so Canadians can hide in shame! The only one happy with that result is Janet Jones-Gretzky, who parlayed that trifecta into a fortune after a quick phone call to Rick Tocchet.

Swiss forward Paul DiPietro (from my bloody hometown) scores one of his two goals in Switzerland’s win over Canada.

But the biggest Heil in Italy the past two weeks was not Canada’s Jennifer, but the collective one coming from the medal count winning Germany, resting assured that Aryan supremacy is alive and well.

So there you go, you’re up to date on the happenings of the 20th Winter Olympics. I bet you’re booking your flight now to Vancouver in 2010. Well, maybe not.